Lewisburg – This evening the Bucknell Football team officially announced its merger with “Beyond Unison” – Bucknell’s storied a capella group. Speaking from a podium in Rooke Chapel, head coach Joe Susan explained the transition as a necessary first step in the rebuilding process.
“Yeah, our boys are having a tough go this season. We’re winless and our only consistent fan is a cat that a lot of us think is actually just a small raccoon. We hope that merging with Beyond Unison will really draw some of their fans to our games. Also, singing is pretty cool too.”
Susan’s decision follows a disastrous 0-11 start to the season, which has raised serious questions about the future of football at Bucknell. The concept was apparently introduced to Coach Susan by one of his players, who attended a Beyond Unison show and was shocked to find actual humans in attendance.
“I was stunned” Running Back Chad Donahue told us, “People actually showed up. Like real people. Not those tackling dummies that Coach Susan dresses up and puts in the stands during our games to trick us. And they weren’t even cheering ironically like the Lewisburg high-schoolers who sometimes show up to smoke weed in the abandoned press box.”
This latest effort follows a string of PR stunts by the football team to attract fans. Last fall they held an informal workshop in the cafeteria to explain proper tackling form, as well as a symposium in the middle of the weight room entitled “How to Beat up Traumatic Head Injuries.” After turnout reached an all time low this season, the team seemed to hit a new rock bottom. Just last week, they held a bake sale in the library to raise funds to purchase an autonomous cheering robot.
“Cheer-bot was a sick idea, but we couldn’t raise the million dollars” Quarterback Stevie Bricks told us. “I started to think that maybe playing football at Bucknell was just a stupid idea.”
Stevie and the rest of the team certainly feel differently after tonight’s news though, which they hope will lead the program to its first winning season in over 100 years. As Coach Susan stepped down from the podium this evening, the audience was treated to a surprise concert from the newly formed team (club? teamclub?). Members of Beyond Unison entered from the back of Rooke Chapel stage and began singing “Little Drummer Boy” to the delight of many. After nervously hovering behind them for a few moments, the football players joined in, belting out Nickleback’s “Rockstar” while air guitaring in what can only be described as a perfect mashup of two classics.
The future of Bucknell Football may finally be here.