LEWISBURG – After months of chaos, Lewisburg’s long nightmare has finally ended. This morning, Samuel Fisher, patriarch of Lewisburg’s most notorious Amish family, met with Mayor Sechler in the alley behind the Campus Theatre to officially end hostilities between his people and area residents.
Mr. Fisher, flanked by his seven sons, refused to answer questions before climbing into his matte black buggy on Market Street. After fixing a broken wheel spoke, the party sped onto the route 15 shoulder and disappeared into the horizon. What initiated the peace agreement in the first place remains unanswered, yet most are merely content to see the town’s worst case of Amish terrorism in over a century come to a close.
This spur of violence all started after a misunderstanding at the Taco Bell on October 5th. According to employees working at the time, Mr. Fisher and his boys addressed two Bucknell Fiji pledges at the register dressed in Amish paraphernalia for their annual “Hicks and Chicks” party. Greeting them in the customary Swiss-German language from the back of the line, Mr. Fisher was visibly furious when the two pledges burst into laughter and immediately began filming the exchange for their snapchat stories.
“He was mad triggered by that” Tyler Vanderbeek, one of the two pledges, recounted to us yesterday, donning an Incan headdress and historically accurate war paint for Fiji’s highly anticipated upcoming Friday rager, Natives and Nattys. “I just hope the dude got his nut that night ’cause his costume was sick.”
In the days following this Taco Bell exchange, Lewisburg residents found their lawns and homes covered in a mixture of rotten cabbages and manure. The “Amish Car Bomb” – a vehicle covered in a bucket of horse manure – became all too common an occurrence for townies and Bucknell students alike. Mr. Fisher’s gang spared no prisoners, local businesses included – the local Giant and Weis supermarkets reported massive losses in butter and an unprecedented pileup of horse manure in their parking lots. Just last week, the all out attack on our community seemed to reach new heights as Mr. Fisher and his boys publicly circled Mayor Sechler by horse, screaming German obscenities and demanding that the two Bucknell students be delivered to their barn for an “Amish trial.”
Considering all this, many still doubt that the peace achieved this morning is anything but political grandstanding on the part of Mayor Sechler. Like the flooding of the Susquehanna River, the running of the cows down main street, and the yearly appearance of Lyndon B. Johnson’s naked ghost, Amish terrorism has become a predictable staple of our small Lewisburg community.