Football Team Announces Merger with A- Cappella Group

 

Lewisburg – This evening the Bucknell Football  team officially announced its merger with “Beyond Unison” – Bucknell’s storied a capella group. Speaking from a podium in Rooke Chapel, head coach Joe Susan explained the transition as a necessary first step in the rebuilding process.

“Yeah, our boys are having a tough go this season. We’re winless and our only consistent fan is a cat that a lot of us think is actually just a small raccoon. We hope that merging with Beyond Unison will really draw some of their fans to our games. Also, singing is pretty cool too.”

Susan’s decision follows a disastrous 0-11 start to the season, which has raised serious  questions about the future of football at Bucknell. The concept was apparently introduced to Coach Susan by one of his players, who attended a Beyond Unison show and was shocked to find actual humans in attendance.

“I was stunned” Running Back Chad Donahue told us, “People actually showed up. Like real people. Not those tackling dummies that Coach Susan dresses up and puts in the stands during our games to trick us. And they weren’t even cheering ironically like the Lewisburg high-schoolers who sometimes show up to smoke weed in the abandoned press box.”

This latest effort follows a string of PR stunts by the football team to attract fans. Last fall they held an informal workshop in the cafeteria to explain proper tackling form, as well as a symposium in the middle of the weight room entitled “How to Beat up Traumatic Head Injuries.” After turnout reached an all time low this season, the team seemed to hit a new rock bottom. Just last week, they held a bake sale in the library to raise funds to purchase an autonomous cheering robot.

“Cheer-bot was a sick idea, but we couldn’t raise the million dollars” Quarterback Stevie Bricks told us. “I started to think that maybe playing football at Bucknell was just a stupid idea.”

Stevie and the rest of the team certainly feel differently after tonight’s news though, which they hope will lead the program to its first winning season in over 100 years. As Coach Susan stepped down from the podium this evening, the audience was treated to a surprise concert from the newly formed team (club? teamclub?). Members of Beyond Unison entered from the back of Rooke Chapel stage and began singing “Little Drummer Boy” to the delight of many. After nervously hovering behind them for a few moments, the football players joined in, belting out Nickleback’s “Rockstar” while air guitaring in what can only be described as a perfect mashup of two classics.

The future of Bucknell Football may finally be here.

 

 

 

Bravman Announces New Building Project

Amazing! Just yesterday our fearless leader, President Bravman, shared an exciting new addition to our campus over email:

“I am please to announce that Bucknell received a generous pledge to construct an Eye of Sauron on campus. After consulting with the board of trustees and the Dark Lord, Destroyer of Men, I have accepted the offer. We are thrilled to welcome the all-seeing one to our campus community.”

He continued – “Many losers and haters, of which there are many, have questioned this decision. I would like to use this email to answer some of those concerns.  For one, this will be the best Eye of Sauron on any college campus in America. It will be an exact, 5,000 foot tall replica of the Dark Fortress of Mordor. The glory and wrath of Sauron will manifest for hundreds of miles!”

After praising “Lord” Sauron in some impeccable Old English, Bravman returned to answer pressing student concerns:

“Many have asked me: Johnny Bravo, where are you even gonna’ fit this thing? So we’re going to blow up the only remaining parking lot on campus and put the tower there. Pretty sick, right? Anyway, your tuition is obviously getting jacked up more now. How does 90 Gs a semester sound? Good? Good.”

Wow! Another helpful and informative email update from our dear leader. Thank you Johnny B!

 

Tough Break: First Year Student’s Meme-Based Friendship Backfires

LEWISBURG, PA – Often referred to as a cultural renaissance unparalleled in recent times, meme culture has brought about some of the world’s most exciting developments in the modern age and has facilitated the coming together of disparate groups.

Riding off the success of the Israeli-Palestinian peace agreement that was resolved by a shared appreciation of a meme of a dabbing Spongebob Squarepants, first year Bucknell student Mike Pyzowski sought to lay the foundation of a new relationship through his personal brand of meme-based humour.

The target of this self-proclaimed “edgy” humor was none other than first year arts res college student Mary McGowan, whose Tinder profile describes her as an “avid vine luvver”. It was this revelation that initially sparked Pyzowski’s interest. “Well, once I saw that she liked vine I immediately started catching vibes,” the 18 year-old Econ major told Mucknellian while hitting his JUUL. “Then when I saw she wrote “DM me your best memes”, I was just like ‘we in business boys'”.

Taking this as an invitation to bombard the Jersey native with various Arbitrage Andy memes about bull markets and JUULing on the stock market floor, Pyzowski shot his shot on 26 November, a Monday, at 4:20 p.m.

“Monday was definitely not the move,” Pyzowski told the Mucknellian. “My boys told me to quit being a [sic] pussy and just send that shit. But idk man, I guess she wasn’t ready for what Daddy was cooking up” he said, extending his fist out towards our correspondent to no avail.

When we reached out to Ms. McGowan for comment, we were surprised to find that the once frequent Grammer had deleted her entire social media presence only a couple days after Pyzowski made his advances. A close friend of McGowan who has chosen to keep her identity anonymous, left us with a chilling explanation for her absence, “Fuck that guy. He thinks he’s funny but 450 unsolicited DMs in one hour is just creepy in my book. M just had to put an end to it.”

When pressed about Ms. McGowan’s friend’s remarks, Pyzowski got up from his chair and tossed his water bottle, Kobe-style, far short of the recycling bin and said, “What can I say, shooters gonna shoot.”