Bravman Announces New Building Project

Amazing! Just yesterday our fearless leader, President Bravman, shared an exciting new addition to our campus over email:

“I am please to announce that Bucknell received a generous pledge to construct an Eye of Sauron on campus. After consulting with the board of trustees and the Dark Lord, Destroyer of Men, I have accepted the offer. We are thrilled to welcome the all-seeing one to our campus community.”

He continued – “Many losers and haters, of which there are many, have questioned this decision. I would like to use this email to answer some of those concerns.  For one, this will be the best Eye of Sauron on any college campus in America. It will be an exact, 5,000 foot tall replica of the Dark Fortress of Mordor. The glory and wrath of Sauron will manifest for hundreds of miles!”

After praising “Lord” Sauron in some impeccable Old English, Bravman returned to answer pressing student concerns:

“Many have asked me: Johnny Bravo, where are you even gonna’ fit this thing? So we’re going to blow up the only remaining parking lot on campus and put the tower there. Pretty sick, right? Anyway, your tuition is obviously getting jacked up more now. How does 90 Gs a semester sound? Good? Good.”

Wow! Another helpful and informative email update from our dear leader. Thank you Johnny B!

 

AMISH BROKER PEACE DEAL

LEWISBURG – After months of chaos, Lewisburg’s long nightmare has finally ended. This morning, Samuel Fisher, patriarch of Lewisburg’s most notorious Amish family, met with Mayor Sechler in the alley behind the Campus Theatre to officially end hostilities between his people and area residents.

Mr. Fisher, flanked by his seven sons, refused to answer questions before climbing into his matte black buggy on Market Street. After fixing a broken wheel spoke, the party sped onto the route 15 shoulder and disappeared into the horizon. What initiated the peace agreement in the first place remains unanswered, yet most are merely content to see the town’s worst case of Amish terrorism in over a century come to a close.

This spur of violence all started after a misunderstanding at the Taco Bell on October 5th. According to employees working at the time, Mr. Fisher and his boys addressed two Bucknell Fiji pledges at the register dressed in Amish paraphernalia for their annual “Hicks and Chicks” party. Greeting them in the customary Swiss-German language from the back of the line, Mr. Fisher was visibly furious when  the two pledges burst into laughter and immediately began filming  the exchange for their snapchat stories.

“He was mad triggered by that” Tyler Vanderbeek, one of the two pledges, recounted to us yesterday, donning an Incan headdress and historically accurate war paint for Fiji’s highly anticipated upcoming Friday rager, Natives and Nattys. “I just hope the dude got his nut that night ’cause his costume was sick.”

In the days following this Taco Bell exchange, Lewisburg residents found their lawns and homes covered in a mixture of rotten cabbages and manure. The “Amish Car Bomb” – a vehicle covered in a bucket of horse manure – became all too common an occurrence for townies and Bucknell students alike. Mr. Fisher’s gang spared no prisoners, local businesses included – the local Giant and Weis supermarkets reported massive losses in butter and an unprecedented pileup of horse manure in their parking lots.  Just last week, the all out attack on our community seemed to reach new heights as Mr. Fisher and his boys  publicly circled Mayor Sechler by horse, screaming German obscenities and demanding that the two Bucknell students be delivered to their barn for an “Amish trial.”

Considering all this, many still doubt that the peace achieved this morning is anything but political grandstanding on the part of Mayor Sechler. Like the flooding of the Susquehanna River, the running of the cows down main street, and the yearly appearance of Lyndon B. Johnson’s naked ghost, Amish terrorism has become a predictable staple of our small Lewisburg community.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shots Fired: Peanuts Club Put On Blast In Scathing Email From Calvin and Hobbes Club Presidents

HULLEY HOUSE, St. George Street, Lewisburg, PA – David vs. Goliath, Red Sox vs. Yankees, Legos vs. Megabloks; history has seen its fair share of bitter rivalries but we here at the Mucknellian believe we’ve uncovered the most volatile of them all. That’s right, we’re talking about the bitterly contested, but rarely mentioned duel between two of Bucknell’s most ferocious competitors: Calvin and Hobbes Club and the newly formed Peanuts Club.

Claiming the title of oldest and most crotchety club on campus, Calvin and Hobbes Club has run the party scene on St. George Street since its inception in 1518, one year after Martin Luther posted his 95 Theses and 329 years before Bucknell was even founded. How did they do it? You may be wondering. Well, we wish we knew too.

The email, which insider sources tell us was sent at 2 pm Thursday night, reportedly details the various scandals that the Peanuts Club had wished to keep secret. But, since we here at Mucknellian are known for our commitment to uncovering the truth when others shy away (*cough* Bucknellian *phlegmy cough*), we have exclusive access to the email in question.