Football Team Announces Merger with A- Cappella Group

 

Lewisburg – This evening the Bucknell Football  team officially announced its merger with “Beyond Unison” – Bucknell’s storied a capella group. Speaking from a podium in Rooke Chapel, head coach Joe Susan explained the transition as a necessary first step in the rebuilding process.

“Yeah, our boys are having a tough go this season. We’re winless and our only consistent fan is a cat that a lot of us think is actually just a small raccoon. We hope that merging with Beyond Unison will really draw some of their fans to our games. Also, singing is pretty cool too.”

Susan’s decision follows a disastrous 0-11 start to the season, which has raised serious  questions about the future of football at Bucknell. The concept was apparently introduced to Coach Susan by one of his players, who attended a Beyond Unison show and was shocked to find actual humans in attendance.

“I was stunned” Running Back Chad Donahue told us, “People actually showed up. Like real people. Not those tackling dummies that Coach Susan dresses up and puts in the stands during our games to trick us. And they weren’t even cheering ironically like the Lewisburg high-schoolers who sometimes show up to smoke weed in the abandoned press box.”

This latest effort follows a string of PR stunts by the football team to attract fans. Last fall they held an informal workshop in the cafeteria to explain proper tackling form, as well as a symposium in the middle of the weight room entitled “How to Beat up Traumatic Head Injuries.” After turnout reached an all time low this season, the team seemed to hit a new rock bottom. Just last week, they held a bake sale in the library to raise funds to purchase an autonomous cheering robot.

“Cheer-bot was a sick idea, but we couldn’t raise the million dollars” Quarterback Stevie Bricks told us. “I started to think that maybe playing football at Bucknell was just a stupid idea.”

Stevie and the rest of the team certainly feel differently after tonight’s news though, which they hope will lead the program to its first winning season in over 100 years. As Coach Susan stepped down from the podium this evening, the audience was treated to a surprise concert from the newly formed team (club? teamclub?). Members of Beyond Unison entered from the back of Rooke Chapel stage and began singing “Little Drummer Boy” to the delight of many. After nervously hovering behind them for a few moments, the football players joined in, belting out Nickleback’s “Rockstar” while air guitaring in what can only be described as a perfect mashup of two classics.

The future of Bucknell Football may finally be here.

 

 

 

Bravman Announces New Building Project

Amazing! Just yesterday our fearless leader, President Bravman, shared an exciting new addition to our campus over email:

“I am please to announce that Bucknell received a generous pledge to construct an Eye of Sauron on campus. After consulting with the board of trustees and the Dark Lord, Destroyer of Men, I have accepted the offer. We are thrilled to welcome the all-seeing one to our campus community.”

He continued – “Many losers and haters, of which there are many, have questioned this decision. I would like to use this email to answer some of those concerns.  For one, this will be the best Eye of Sauron on any college campus in America. It will be an exact, 5,000 foot tall replica of the Dark Fortress of Mordor. The glory and wrath of Sauron will manifest for hundreds of miles!”

After praising “Lord” Sauron in some impeccable Old English, Bravman returned to answer pressing student concerns:

“Many have asked me: Johnny Bravo, where are you even gonna’ fit this thing? So we’re going to blow up the only remaining parking lot on campus and put the tower there. Pretty sick, right? Anyway, your tuition is obviously getting jacked up more now. How does 90 Gs a semester sound? Good? Good.”

Wow! Another helpful and informative email update from our dear leader. Thank you Johnny B!

 

AMISH BROKER PEACE DEAL

LEWISBURG – After months of chaos, Lewisburg’s long nightmare has finally ended. This morning, Samuel Fisher, patriarch of Lewisburg’s most notorious Amish family, met with Mayor Sechler in the alley behind the Campus Theatre to officially end hostilities between his people and area residents.

Mr. Fisher, flanked by his seven sons, refused to answer questions before climbing into his matte black buggy on Market Street. After fixing a broken wheel spoke, the party sped onto the route 15 shoulder and disappeared into the horizon. What initiated the peace agreement in the first place remains unanswered, yet most are merely content to see the town’s worst case of Amish terrorism in over a century come to a close.

This spur of violence all started after a misunderstanding at the Taco Bell on October 5th. According to employees working at the time, Mr. Fisher and his boys addressed two Bucknell Fiji pledges at the register dressed in Amish paraphernalia for their annual “Hicks and Chicks” party. Greeting them in the customary Swiss-German language from the back of the line, Mr. Fisher was visibly furious when  the two pledges burst into laughter and immediately began filming  the exchange for their snapchat stories.

“He was mad triggered by that” Tyler Vanderbeek, one of the two pledges, recounted to us yesterday, donning an Incan headdress and historically accurate war paint for Fiji’s highly anticipated upcoming Friday rager, Natives and Nattys. “I just hope the dude got his nut that night ’cause his costume was sick.”

In the days following this Taco Bell exchange, Lewisburg residents found their lawns and homes covered in a mixture of rotten cabbages and manure. The “Amish Car Bomb” – a vehicle covered in a bucket of horse manure – became all too common an occurrence for townies and Bucknell students alike. Mr. Fisher’s gang spared no prisoners, local businesses included – the local Giant and Weis supermarkets reported massive losses in butter and an unprecedented pileup of horse manure in their parking lots.  Just last week, the all out attack on our community seemed to reach new heights as Mr. Fisher and his boys  publicly circled Mayor Sechler by horse, screaming German obscenities and demanding that the two Bucknell students be delivered to their barn for an “Amish trial.”

Considering all this, many still doubt that the peace achieved this morning is anything but political grandstanding on the part of Mayor Sechler. Like the flooding of the Susquehanna River, the running of the cows down main street, and the yearly appearance of Lyndon B. Johnson’s naked ghost, Amish terrorism has become a predictable staple of our small Lewisburg community.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letter from our Founder| Harvey Muck

When I attended Bucknell years ago, I was a lot like you. Naive. Headstrong. Covered head to toe in mud and soot. Friendless. And living very much in fear of the notorious Constable McGillicuddy. Sure, he and I had our share of squabbles, but those stories are for another time.

It is my pleasure to introduce to those of you yet unacquainted with our prestigious publication, the marvelous institution of humour, that is, the, Mucknellian.