LEWISBURG, PA – Often referred to as a cultural renaissance unparalleled in recent times, meme culture has brought about some of the world’s most exciting developments in the modern age and has facilitated the coming together of disparate groups.
Riding off the success of the Israeli-Palestinian peace agreement that was resolved by a shared appreciation of a meme of a dabbing Spongebob Squarepants, first year Bucknell student Mike Pyzowski sought to lay the foundation of a new relationship through his personal brand of meme-based humour.
The target of this self-proclaimed “edgy” humor was none other than first year arts res college student Mary McGowan, whose Tinder profile describes her as an “avid vine luvver”. It was this revelation that initially sparked Pyzowski’s interest. “Well, once I saw that she liked vine I immediately started catching vibes,” the 18 year-old Econ major told Mucknellian while hitting his JUUL. “Then when I saw she wrote “DM me your best memes”, I was just like ‘we in business boys'”.
Taking this as an invitation to bombard the Jersey native with various Arbitrage Andy memes about bull markets and JUULing on the stock market floor, Pyzowski shot his shot on 26 November, a Monday, at 4:20 p.m.
“Monday was definitely not the move,” Pyzowski told the Mucknellian. “My boys told me to quit being a [sic] pussy and just send that shit. But idk man, I guess she wasn’t ready for what Daddy was cooking up” he said, extending his fist out towards our correspondent to no avail.
When we reached out to Ms. McGowan for comment, we were surprised to find that the once frequent Grammer had deleted her entire social media presence only a couple days after Pyzowski made his advances. A close friend of McGowan who has chosen to keep her identity anonymous, left us with a chilling explanation for her absence, “Fuck that guy. He thinks he’s funny but 450 unsolicited DMs in one hour is just creepy in my book. M just had to put an end to it.”
When pressed about Ms. McGowan’s friend’s remarks, Pyzowski got up from his chair and tossed his water bottle, Kobe-style, far short of the recycling bin and said, “What can I say, shooters gonna shoot.”